FAQs

Frequently Asked Questions

Mouseover and click a question to see the answer.

1. How can I tell if someone is lying to me?

 

• If you operate from integrity then you can tell something is wrong, something is in the space. They may be lying to you, or they may have just lied to another (perhaps their mother), you'll experience it, it's in their aura. Either way, you'll get a sense that the person is either telling the truth or they are not, rather than blindly believe their words. Quite often, they will not look you in the eyes, that, or they have mastered looking you in the eyes as part of their truth-telling con. If on the hand, you are lying to others it's most likely that you will not be clear if someone is lying to you.

• to "operate from integrity" means that you communicate openly, and honestly, and spontaneously, with your family, immediate friends, and loved one—zero significant thoughts withheld, all withholds, perpetrations, and acknowledgments communicated verbally.

2. I hear my boss lie to customers and it bothers me. Is there a way I can approach him about this?

 

• Yes. However, you must be willing to lose your job.

• You'd be smart to first find out why you would bring such a person, such an employer, into your life. In some way he is mirroring your integrity.

• You must be willing to tell the truth, to communicate from your experience. For example: "I uh, I um, I'm uncomfortable. I'm afraid you'll think I' m a jerk for bringing up this subject, but...."

• to "communicate from your experience" is scary because you have to choose to not be cool. You must be willing to come across as a dork. What happens when you do tell the truth is you will disappear the fear—for life. To try and talk above the fear, to pretend that you aren't uncomfortable, will cause the fear to persist in all such similar situations—for life. Most adults are intimidated in front of teachers, bosses, and managers, because they were afraid to tell the truth to their parents.

3. My child lies all the time and I don't know what to do. Is there a fix for this problem?

   • Yes. Look and see to whom you are lying/deceiving. Your child has no choice, absolutely none, but to mirror your integrity. Your out-integrity could be as far back as age 5—clean it up and notice the difference with your child. Lying/misbehaving is one way a child has of communicating that something is wrong, something's out-integrity, the misbehavior is always about a communication breakdown between the parents. When it doesn't get resolved the child draws attention to the out-integrity out in the community (an unconscious cry for help).

   • Do the Advanced About Lies and Lying Tutorial (it covers this subject in detail).

   • Have you noticed that your question contains a lie? Your child does not lie all the time. Possibly your belief is that your lies (conscious or not) aren't important or you believe they aren't real lies and therefore don't have a consequence. 

4. My mother is always breaking her word with me, she says she'll do something and then comes up with an excuse to not do it. Is there a way to get her to stop doing this?

 

• Nope. There's nothing you can do or say. You just don't have permission to handle her case, and, she has not asked you to support her in telling the truth. Her lies have not cost her enough yet for her to want to stop.

• It doesn't work to try and change someone without their permission. Most important, you don't have the skills to teach another how to communicate. What you learn here you can't teach another in a way that will change their behaviors. This stuff only works if you want to change your behaviors.

• Your mom is addicted to lying. She would have to engage the services of a communicologist who would support her in creating a context for her to begin telling the truth. And that's just the beginning. She would then have to join a support group and give all members permission to support her in keeping her agreements, in telling the truth. Lying is as difficult an addiction to complete as alcohol. Lying is abusive. More about abuse.

• Your big problem is that you also are addicted to abuse and to lying. "Always?" I think not. You might be keeping agreements now, to be better than, but it's only a self-righteous act. The behavior will eventually reveal itself. Most likely you will magnetically attract an abusive partner who will break agreements with you, such is your addiction to being right and making another wrong.

• And, here's the kicker. It's not her. You just haven't learned how to make agreements. You only create the illusion of an agreement.

5. I think my husband is cheating on me but when I ask he says I'm being paranoid. Is it too late to begin, as you suggest, for my husband and I to communicate openly and honestly?

   • If you don't already have open, honest, and spontaneous communication, then it will take much more room than we have here to describe how to begin. Please ask the question on the Spouse Abuse Tutorial (via its message board) after you have done the free portion of that tutorial.

   • An excellent place to start is to look and see what thoughts you are withholding from him. It's virtually impossible for someone to withhold thoughts (deceit, etc.) in the space of someone who communicates openly, honestly and spontaneously. That is to say, if he is withholding the thought that he's cheating then you have yet to learn how to be a safe space for the truth to be told. Withholders always attract and hang around withholders. He is mirroring your own deceit.

   • Your intuition is always accurate. He may not be physically cheating but he could be flirting (intercourse never-the-less) and lining up relationships just in case the marriage fails. If you walked in on a conversation  he was having with one of his coworkers he would immediately feel embarrassed—you'd see the guilt on his face—this doesn't happen with wholesome relationships. Put another way, you could be masterminding a divorce and not know it.

   • A loving husband would look to see what he must be doing (or not doing ) to cause you to feel insecure. His blaming response is proof that you have lapsed into what's referred to as an imitation of communication. Something's wrong.

   • You'll also get value from reading our different Dear Gabby letters.