Spouse Tutorial
Frequently Asked Questions: (FAQ's)
Add a FAQ question in the box below:
what
What would I have to change about
myself?
What would you
have to change about yourself to effect a
transformation
within your police department and community?
The answer is there is nothing you
would have to change. You already have what it takes to engage
in the kinds of conversations that would effect such results.
Just as there is a way
for a spouse to communicate
that produces badmouthing, thwarting, disrespect, and
arguments within a relationship or organization, so too is there a way of
communicating that produces support, respect, and an
experience of love and team.
All it takes is one person in any
organization to commit him or herself to communication
mastery and all others follow. It’s called leading from a
non-leadership position. The more members of an organization
who participate in an accelerated communication skills mastery
curriculum the faster the transformation takes place.
The truth is no one in your police
force or your community can move forward until you decide to
go for it. You are the leader. You always have been and you
always will be. The sooner you get on with the
communication/leadership mastery curriculum the sooner
everyone will follow. Postpone and you can no longer blame
anyone else for the results you are producing around you.
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is
Is there much outside
reading/studying?
There is no outside reading
or studying.
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how
How much memorizing is
there?
There
is no memorizing. The tutorial is not about reading techniques
or strategies that have worked for others. It's not about
trying out different things to say.
The tutorial is not about changing yourself or
another.
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cost
How much does it cost?
The Communication Skills Tutorial for
a Police Officer's Spouse is free. It is paid for by workshop and
consultation fees and
donations.
It is a service to the community.
If you wish to do
the tutorial using a
Private Message Board there
is a nonrefundable fee of $100. Pay for your PMB
here.
All other participants use the free
Police Tutorial Message Board.
Once you start the tutorial
you'll be given a password that entitles you to free
consulting, feedback/coaching through one of our
message boards.
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describe
The
way the tutorial works is:
-
Read
the first topic.
(there are three
required
topics)
-
Post your comments/reactions to the topic on a
tutorial message board.
-
Return to
the message board in about 12 hours to
read the tutorial coach's
comments/feedback to your post.
-
Reply to
the coach's comments and questions through
to mutual satisfaction. (some
conversations require dozens of message
board posts)
-
Continue
with the next topic.
The
topics stimulate engaging interactions
between you and the tutorial coach.
To ensure optimum personal attention only
a handful of active tutorial participants
are allowed to register at any one time.
If we are full the
Registration Form will
have at the top,
"The tutorial is presently full".
You may then click the Webmaster email button at the
top and enter your name, the name of the
tutorial, and
your email address to be notified when there is
an opening.
Once a participant gets the
hang of posting and replying to their*
message board,
they are encouraged to share specific
professional, personnel, relationship
problems; all participants are welcome to
post feedback.
message boards
* Note:
There are two tutorial message boards.
1) The free password-protected Police
Tutorial Message Board (PTMB).
The PTMB is for officers/spouses who have no
problem with fellow officers or spouses reading or
even replying to their message board
posts. This is the ideal way to do the
tutorial because you get to read other's
problems and their solutions. There is no
fee to do the tutorial using the PTMB.
2) The fee-based password-protected Private
Message Board (PMB).
The PMB is for an officer/spouse who would like
privacy, perhaps to discuss a touchy
problem. It is for a tutorial participant
who has concerns about others reading the
content of their posts. That is to say, it
is possible for someone in your spouse's
department, who
is doing the tutorial, to read
your posts and figure out who you are.
The tutorial does not work if you are not
willing to be completely open and
forthcoming with the tutorial coach. The
PMB supports open and honest communication
without fear of consequence. (read our
Privacy Policy)
For example: If you withheld
something important from your mate during
your engagement then this
unacknowledged perpetration is having
profound consequences. It affects each and every interaction
you have with everyone. The PMB is the
perfect place for you to acknowledge such a
perpetration. PMB posts are deleted upon
completion of the tutorial or upon request.
Another example: If you have had an
extra marital affair and have hid it from
your spouse, then you must be willing to
acknowledge it in the tutorial and be
willing to be coached on how to
acknowledge it to your spouse.
If you intend to keep hiding perpetrations
do not register for the tutorial.
Another example: A friend told me
they personally knew a police officer who
used to grow marijuana when a teen. I
asked the Police Chief, "Hypothetically,
Chief, if I joined the department and lied
on my application and then later, because
of your training, became inspired to be
totally truthful and admitted to you to
growing marijuana when young, what would
happen?" He replied, "You'd be fired
immediately." This policy serves as a
major barrier to the experience of
integrity within any department.
However, if you know of such a
perpetration do not do the tutorial—unless
you are willing to not have the
relationship in order to restore your
integrity. In other words, if you know
your LE spouse has a perpetration that is
grounds for dismissal and you sense, or
know, they would not fess up then do not
do the tutorial.
The PMB assures you that only the coach
will read and reply to your posts. This
means no officers or other spouses will
read your posts.
Those
requesting the PMB will have access to
reading but not replying to the other's
posts on PTMB.
There is a $100 fee to do the tutorial
using the PMB. Pay for your PMB
here.
There is
a box on the
Registration Form to check
if you have paid for your PMB. Leave it blank if you
want to use the free PTMB.
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philosophy
What's the
philosophy?
The philosophy is
called communicating from responsibility. The teaching method is
called discovery-learning.
The
tutorial is not therapeutic, it is an educational process. It is not
about fixing things or making relationships better. It's not about
healing. What's also true is that the tutorial has a positive impact
on people's lives and relationships, and, relationships do get even
better.
Throughout the tutorial we make a distinction between talking and
communicating. We say that when we become stuck doing our "imitation
of communication" problems persist, and that when communication
takes place everyone feels good upon completion. Communication adds
to one's experience of aliveness; talking results in more of the
same. One major barrier to effective communication is an incomplete.
It
could be said that we all were supposed to have had some very
specific conversations, at specific times, when we were growing
up. Each conversation was to have been in support of us being whole
and complete. If, for instance, your parent was delivering an
important lesson about badmouthing, but they were delivering it from
hypocrisy, then the lesson is stored in your memory as words. Your
parent's communication has yet to be gotten in a way that it became
part of you and your communication model, your character if you
will. Consequently, you may know all there is to know about
badmouthing and understand the effects of badmouthing yet you
automatically find yourself on the receiving end of badmouthing, as
though you don't know any better. The person badmouthing another to
you can read your aura,
your non-verbal communications/emanations, and know intuitively that
you are a receptacle for badmouthing. It's a covert communication of
disrespect. You are misusing your power when you support badmouthing. This
teaching incident, this communication with your parent, is what's called an
incomplete. It is possible through coaching to recall incomplete
communications and in the recreating of them, communicating from responsibility
(without blame), they become complete. You are no longer missing
anything, you are in-integrity, (whole and complete). Another way of
putting it is—when you acknowledge the source of your wisdom you
become wise.
In
this regard there is nothing wrong with you to be fixed, merely a
few incomplete conversations. An accumulation of incomplete
communications have the effect of producing more of the same
less-than-desirable results.
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police
Is there a similar
tutorial for police officers?
Yes.
If you would like to have your police officer spouse do a
comparable communication-skills tutorial designed specifically
for law enforcement professionals you may direct him/her to
http://www.managercoaching.com/police/.
Note 1:
If you know or intuit that they will pooh-pooh the idea and
find fault with the tutorial or your suggestion that they do
the tutorial, if your
experience is that they don't value your support of their
personal and profession growth, then do not present it to
them. And, do not do the
tutorial for the spouse of police officers.
Why? Because, if you sense the
potential of the tutorial and if you think enough of your spouse
to suggest it, intuitively knowing it could be of value to
them, your relationship, and the department, and your spouse
resists your support, the experience will only validate what
you already know. It would in fact be a self-righteous gesture
which you would later use as argument ammunition.
Note 2:
With a healthy working
relationship it is possible to present the tutorial to your
spouse, without attachment that they do it, and have them
decline, and you both feel good after the interaction. On the
other hand, if you present it, knowing full well he/she
"really needs it," then they will most certainly resist doing
it. They will experience the covert self-righteous make-wrong.
Note 3:
If there is fear in your relationship, if you are afraid to
present the tutorial to them, fearing their response, then you need to
complete your relationship and redesign it so that it works
for the both of you. You have what communication coaches call
"withholds" in your relationship. Both of you are hiding
something, a thought or a perpetration, from the other.
There are never ever any exceptions to this.
The bottom
line is: If you don't have the leadership/communication skills
to effect mutual satisfaction in all conversations it is not
your spouse. If this be the case, there are two alternatives
for you.
The Relationship Communication Skills
Tutorial (fee) and the
Spouse Abuse Tutorial
(free).
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political
Is this a
religious or political organization?
Community
Communications is nonpolitical and nonsectarian. Our funds come from workshop and tutorial tuitions,
consultations, and from
donations. Since our beginning in 1988 we have found no predominant political or religious
persuasions or significant differences in belief systems of our
participants.
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trouble
Can I get my spouse in
trouble if I do the tutorial?
No. We do not contact
anyone in your spouse's department, even if you were to acknowledge
that you know your spouse has committed murder. We hold that our
trust is as sacred as that of clergy or of an attorney.
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transformation
Transformation:
As used here transformation refers to more than change, adding to or taking
away. It is closer to transubstantiate; same looks different substance.
For example:
To have a transformed communication model means:
Whereas now when you asked your spouse a question you might trigger
upset, resentment, avoidance, fear, or other thwarting behaviors, whereas
with a transformed experience of communication, you will experience yourself
being in supportive communication with your spouse and having your questions
answered willingly. And, the questions you ask will be worded exactly the same
as before.
If this seems hard to believe remember, in the real estate and insurance
industry there are what's referred to as "Million Dollar Sales Agents." Once
you enter into a conversation, a relationship, with one of these skilled
manipulators, it's only a matter of time before you will have signed a
contract. In other words, a lay person is putty in their hands. Their trick?
Companies such as John Hancock Ins and Mike McCormack hire communication
consultants who have access to the cutting edge research on manipulation. On the other
hand, most police departments teach communication/interrogation skills from
within (in-house) and seldom have a trained world-class communication
consultant/communicologist on staff. This means the successful sales agents
have access to the latest and best communication skills. In short, successful
sales agents have learned to manifest their intentions. They know how the mind
works. What's usually missing in their advanced curriculums is the subject of
integrity. It takes impeccable integrity to ethically handle such power. Quite
often such a sales person will manipulate a person to buy something beyond
their ability to afford/maintain. The agent gets rich and the customer doesn't
always succeed, in part because the agent has no responsibility to support the
success of former customers.
The difference between a such a sales person and a police officer is that
the police officer has a responsibility, for life, to protect and serve each
"customer." Serve here means the intentional follow-up support (mostly
non-verbal) of each of their customers/citizens. When police officers do
their job well the community raises their salaries in acknowledgment for the
support, security and peace of mind provided. When a police department falls
short, in terms of integrity, the public votes to keep them in financial
survival.
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